Nevetheless, I do like to look back and reflect on what I felt, learned, and gained this past year. It helps give me a clearer perspective as I march on into a new year. I am fully aware that I feel no different on the morning of January 1, 2010, than I did yesterday morning, but a new year always seems to mark a new beginning, even if it's in a small and insignificant way, such as hanging up a new calendar or changing into a new pair of contacts in order to see more clearly.
2009 was my first full year of full-time motherhood, and in doing so, I became much more of the kind of person I wanted to be because I was able to give more of myself to those I love, and I was able to give myself more time to help me become that person. I am so much happier this time this year than I was last year. I feel so much better about myself. I don't miss work, or stress, or feeling bad about myself. I know and recognize how awesomely blessed I am, and I know I am never thankful enough for it all, but I really, truly am thankful. Thank You, God!
I actually stuck with my New Year's resolution and lost a little over 40 pounds. It took hard work and discipline, but I finally am at a point where I am happy with how I look again. There is a little more work to do to be where I want, but I have learned that if I am determined to do it, I can achieve it.
I discovered a love for the kitchen... or maybe I just nurtured that love I already had growing in me and am seeking ways to continue to explore cooking and baking just because it is something that makes me feel fulfilled and happy.
I read books. For fun. For me.
I stepped out of my comfort zone and met new people in different places and feel like my life is richer because of them.
I examined my more selfish side, perhaps, in doing some of these things, but I've always believed that when I have fewer holes in myself, I am able to give more.
2009 was a year of adjustments. I had never had a semester that I didn't go back to school in my entire life, so all of a sudden, being home all day with a small child who couldn't walk or talk or feed herself or really do much of anything was a big shock. A shock that turned into the best choice I ever made because I got to see, firsthand, the process in which she learned how to do all those things. Not just see it, but be a part of it. I have memories. I have those times that you can't get back. I've seen a baby turn into a toddler, and right before my very eyes now, a toddler who is so close to becoming a little girl. All in a year! How could it be?
My relationship with my husband grew and I realized how complementary we are together, as parents and as spouses. I can't get over how blessed and lucky and happy I am to have him at my side. I can't get over how amazing our little family is.
2009 wasn't perfect, of course, as life never is. We experienced and witnessed some hardships too. Little's eating and growing woes caused a lot of grief and worry as we went through a barrage of tests and doctor's visits that only ended in frustration with no results. Fortunately, the problem seems to have mostly fixed itself, but it did make my experience as a first-time stay-at-home mom more challenging than I expected, causing me to feel a few moments of self-doubt and a longing to return to the workforce. Then there were times that we wondered and worried about Paul's job, especially when everyone in his company got a significant pay cut, another threat to my new at-home position. Again, fortunately, God delivered as He always does, and we are still stable and currently worry-free. I need to trust more firmly in Him, because He has always provided for us exactly when we need it. Lastly, I glimpsed a tragedy, in the loss of the earthly life of one of my former students. This sad event caused me to pause on the thought of losing my own daughter and what life would be like without her. In a way, I think that these thoughts compelled me to slow down a little and enjoy each second I have with her, no matter how tired, frustrated, or hormonal I feel on a given day. It's amazing to see the way God transforms the sorrows of our lives to plant seeds of joy.
Despite those sorrows, I will remember 2009 as a wonderful year, for the wonders of it far outweigh its hardships (which I struggle to even recall). It was filled with walks to the park, beautiful days, many pictures, smiles, laughs, giggles, animals, new words, new experiences, first birthdays, picnics, trips to Dallas, visits to zoos, coloring, singing, playing, and loving... lots and lots of loving. How could it not have been one of the best years of my life?
And now 2010, with all its newness, already comes with the anticipation of great things to come. There's that summer trip we plan on taking, either to Mexico with my parents and brothers (the whole family!), or to... somewhere else, just Paul and me. Either way, I'm so excited. I also plan on meeting my final weight loss goal; I only have ten pounds to go! I want to learn how to take better pictures with our new camera, and I want to take a cake decorating class to hone my pastry skills (or lack thereof). I look forward to my baby turning two, and even to the adventure that potty training her will be.
Life moves forward, and hard as that is to accept sometimes, most of the time it is wonderful and beautiful and full of... fullness. And in order to make my life more full and satisfying, for this year, I resolve to do the following:
-Lose 10 more pounds.
-Play Wii with Paul on nights when there is nothing to watch on TV.
-Work on a more solid prayer life so as to strengthen my relationship with God.
Simple resolutions, but ones I can and need to work on. I prefer to set realistic goals for myself. What are you going to do?
Happy 2010! May your year be full!
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