A Pause as I Near the End of the Process

On a good day, I have 2 pounds to go. On a bad day, 3. I really should probably lose about 7 more just to account for scale error and the fact that I weigh myself naked after going to the bathroom first thing in the morning (at my lightest), but nevertheless, I have come so far.

I have been losing weight for over a year. That's the nice way of saying that I have been dieting and exercising for over a year. But the thought of "dieting" for such a long period of time seems frightening. And I don't "diet." So I will just say that I have lost almost 50 pounds since Christmas of 2008. That makes it sound like a lot. 50 pounds is (almost) two Littles. Whoa. A whole lot. It's a lot of time too.

How I've done it? Hunger. For more than just food. For feeling good about myself, for being healthy, for reducing my risk of Type 2 Diabetes (a risk that developed no thanks to Gestational Diabetes). Hunger for looking in the mirror and saying, "hey I don't look too bad." And for being able to wear those bikinis I bought for my honeymoon and haven't worn since. Hunger for getting my body back, for feeling the way I did when I first started dating Paul. But I had to recognize this hunger before I could ever begin to do anything about it, and gosh, isn't that the way it is with anything we do?

And yes, I was hungry for food, but the words one of my old high school friends quotes stayed in my head: "Stay hungry. Embrace the hunger." And I do. But sometimes I wonder if it's worth it in the end: if by being hungry and spending four or five hours at the gym each week I am gaining something, or if I'm focused on the wrong things and missing out on life? If the world ends tomorrow, who cares how much I weighed or whether or not I could wear a bikini? Could I be spending more time with Little instead of dragging her to the gym's childcare four days a week? What is it all for?

So there's a fine balance between planning for the future and living in the present. I just hope that I'm making the right choice. Maybe I'm just tired of thinking about food so much every day. Maybe I want to think of something else for a change. I do know this much: once the scale reads 125 pounds, I will be very VERY relieved. I don't know if I will keep thinking about food as much as I do, and I certainly know that I will continue to run and go to the gym because it makes me feel good.

In fact, since the weather has been nice, I've been running, and a particularly good workout prompted me to consider training to run a 5k. Today could be my unofficial "first day of training." I ran 3.3 miles while listening to a Peter Kreeft lecture. I think that is the perfect strategy for me. That and counting down the laps left to go around the track instead of incrementally adding up the ones I have already done. I say unofficial because I don't even have a goal in mind. I live in a big city, so I'm sure there are 5ks almost every weekend, but I haven't even started to look for one or think about it. Right now, I have other goals in mind (right, 2-3 pounds?). But perhaps this is the next step beyond the initial goal. And if I lose more weight and get even healthier in the process, then great.

But I am so ready to be done.