Gratitude when it's hard

Yesterday was tough. Ellie cried when I dropped her off at school because "I just want to be with you, Mommy." Looks like having a baby sister is finally taking its toll. As soon as I got in the car, I cried too. Katie was extra fussy off and on all day, and it probably didn't help that we've been trying to teach her how to take a bottle with no success. I definitely have had finer moments, but I think it was a day that I needed to be broken a little to gain a better perspective. A Mommy-daughter date with Ellie cured her blues, and Katie slept through the night for the third night in a row. I am thankful for those things. Very thankful.

I thought today would be better. And in many ways it was. But it ended in disappointment. Since last week, Paul and I have been planning on going to an event at a restaurant downtown hosted by our favorite winery in Napa. I was so excited. We need a date, and this was the perfect thing for us to do, since we are usually terribly unoriginal on the all too few and far-between dates we get to do. Remember how I said we have been trying to teach Katie how to take a bottle? This date is the reason. Remember how I said we weren't successful? That is the reason we had to cancel our reservations. Did I mention how excited I had been?

The hardest part (aside from trying to not feel completely disappointed) is how utterly clear it became to me that I am never totally free. I love my girls. I love that they need me. Every day I am thankful that I can be the one who meets their needs, that I am home to be there for them. But every once in a while, it can be hard to be needed so much all the time.

Then there's this: my husband needs me too, and not just to mother his children, but to be his wife. So the date isn't entirely off; we'll just go somewhere close to home so that we can call it a night if we need to rush home and rescue the grandparents from the screaming baby. And now I struggle with keeping my feelings in check: I still get my date, maybe even a fancy dinner... just not the fancy dinner I had been looking forward to. I am thankful that we get to go out at all; I am happy to spend time with the man I love, and I know that what we do doesn't make the time special. Who I am with makes it special.

One day I won't be needed so much... and I'll probably miss it. So tonight, even though it hurts, I am thankful... very thankful to have 3 beautiful people who need me as much as I need them.