On Freedom

There are days when I really look forward to getting my life back. You know, those mythical days when I don't have to worry about meals, naps, toys, snacks, time-outs, tantrums, sicknesses, defiance, or simply not knowing what to do with a kid on an afternoon. As if all those things prevented me from living my life? As if I had something better, more important to do? Like what? Clean? Cook? Work? Sure, I'm not my own, but I never have been. My whole life, there has been one thing or another that has owned me, between school and work and other obligations. Now my child owns me. My children own me.

The hardest part is feeling like more than "just a mommy."

But the thing is, I am more. And having kids doesn't mean that a mommy is all I am or can do. I think that's why a birth control pill commercial I saw the other day really struck me. It emphasized the importance of freedom and choice, all but directly stating that kids don't leave room for either in one's life. There were several women, shopping in a "mall" of sorts, with all the choices life has to offer: bigger houses, vacations, fancy cars... And a small corner for a stork carrying a pink bundle, which the women deftly avoided, and one woman even ran away from. No wonder it's hard for us mommies to feel like more than "just a mommy." If the world is telling us that because we made one choice, all others are no longer available to us, then how can we view ourselves any differently? What ever happened to the promise that we can "have it all"? Or is it that we can "have it all," as long as the "it" we want doesn't include a family?

What does it really mean to be free? No obligations? No responsibility? The ability to do whatever we want? Nothing to tie us down? When did attachments and being needed become bad things? I admit that I struggle to find importance with what I do every day, but when I really think about it, I had the same self doubt when I had a career and no kids. I also longed for the day when I didn't have to worry about lesson plans, grading, parent conferences, student failures, meetings... you know, things I had to do because it was my job.

If freedom is being held accountable to no one, then I don't want to be free.