Life has been busy and full and overwhelming. Yesterday I put Anthony in and out of his carseat at least ten times. Literally. I'm tired. Really tired. Three kids are kicking my butt. Driving to schools is kicking my butt. Trying to meet everyone's needs is kicking my butt. Especially when all 4 of them need me in one way or another at virtually the same time. I should retitle this "butter scraped over too much bread." That's me.
And yet.
And yet, as Paul and I mentioned to each other earlier today, life is pretty "cush." Even though I feel like there aren't enough hours, or minutes, or even seconds to do what I want to do. What I need to do to feel like I have some semblance of control. Of peace over the chaos. Oh the chaos! If my head weren't attached to my neck, it'd be on lopsided most days. If it's on at all. Confession time: I'm barely holding it all together.
...
I started writing this over a week ago and never finished or posted it because I was too tired. There was too much chaos. Something had to give.
I'm better now.
It took realizing that less is more. I fretted over the decision to take Katie out of MDO to cut down on car time and instead give her (and Anthony, but mostly her) more quality mommy time. It's amazing what a difference removing one unnecessary commitment from my week has made. And it has only been our first week since the change. For many reasons (I don't like "quitting", she gets good things out of going, I love the people and the program, she likes the people and the program), I hated to do it, but, as I recently learned with Ellie, the time I have with my precious kids is so limited. Katie has the rest of her life to go to "school." Once she's five and in Kindergarten, she's no longer "mine."
I broke down in tears the second or third week of school because of this realization. Ellie is in school every day, from 8-3. Then she comes home, changes clothes, does her homework, and looks for her neighbor friends to play with until dinnertime. So that leaves me with 6:30-7:45am and 5:30-8:00pm to be with her, influence her, love on her, teach her, and give her my time (which I cannot give her exclusively because her brother and sister need me too). My role has shifted from guiding her through life to waiting and being there for her at homebase. I knew it would happen eventually, but I wasn't ready, and when I cried, it was because I felt like I had run out of time. "I'm not done with her yet, God! I still want her here!"
So now I have to figure out how to make the most of those 4.75 hours with her. While simultaneously tending to her siblings and my household duties, as those also happen to be the busiest hours of the day.
Thankfully we have the weekends too.
Because of all that, I'm happy to have Katie back home with me. We're settling into a routine that works much better with naps and other important parts of a toddler and baby life (like good ol' rolling around on the floor time!). I knew I was in over my head when I yearned to just be home. Usually I'm the opposite, always trying to think of somewhere to go to avoid the ennui that can come when being home for too long, but now it's nice to just play and snuggle my babies. And I've started doing crafts and activities with Katie, like I did with Ellie, while Anthony naps. It feels right. Slowly, I'm eliminating the chaos. It feels good.
I still don't have it all figured out, but I'm learning.
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