The Childless

Do you ever start thinking of that nonexistent alternate dimension where your life would be the complete opposite of what it is now? Like, what if I did end up with that ex or if I wasn't married at all? What if I didn't have a kid? What if I lived somewhere else? What if I went the other way in that fork in the road of my life? What would my life be like? Would I be this happy? And I know none of it really matters because the bottom line is that life didn't happen any other way, but sometimes, you just have to wonder.

My wondering today circles mainly around what life would be like if we didn't have Little. I'd still be teaching, of course, but it's summer. How on earth would I be staying busy? I'd probably have a very clean house and a terrible itch to travel. Or I'd be insanely fat from baking and trying out new recipes constantly. Or I'd be bored out of my mind, wishing I had a baby. And from those thoughts stems another thing to wonder: what do childless couples DO? How do they work? Paul and I never really got to experience married life without a baby (that first month where we didn't know of Little's existence doesn't count because we were still in newlywed mode, nor do the subsequent eight months when she was in the womb and we did know about her because everything centered around the impending baby). We didn't live together before marriage, so while we spent a lot of our spare time together, we still had separate and distinct lives. So what do those couples who are married for years and years with no children do? How do they pass the time? How do they fill the void? Pets? Traveling? How do they relate to each other? I've forgotten what it's like to just be two; now I only know three. Even though Paul and I have and value time as a couple, it is impossible to completely exclude Little from even the way we interact with each other as a couple. She is a very part of who we are. Are childless couples less complete? I'm just curious because any other life seems so incredibly foreign to me now.

There are great days, like today, when I couldn't ask for more and am so thankful for my lot in life, and there are days when I wonder when I will ever get my life back. When I wish I didn't have to read the same bedtime story over and over. When I can listen to music that is played on the radio and not the same Raffi CD on repeat. When my focus isn't on playtime, diapers, potties, when the next snack or nap or meal is, whether or not she got all her vegetables and fruits for the day, what activities will be the most fun and educational for her, what she wants, what she needs, how to serve her... when I can just be ME and think about me and what I want. Of course I realize that I will be completely lost on the day that I do "get my life back" because she IS my life. I am a parent. That is who I am, that is who Paul and I are, and gosh, I wouldn't change it for the world.