On Friends

We just hosted a small get-together to say goodbye to a friend who is moving away for a fresh start. As we watched her walk away and get into her car, crying, Paul turned to me and said "we lost another friend." It seems like lately we've been having a friend deficit... not that we have none, but that they keep moving away, one by one, slowly, and falling out of touch. And I've come to realize that the older we get, the harder it is to make (and keep) friends. Certain parts of this article struck a chord with me as I read it, because it is so true. I often wondered and worried when I was single in college what I would do if I was single after graduation. How would I find someone? And the same goes for friends. How DO adults make friends after college?

I suppose there is the workplace... but what about those who don't have jobs (in the strictest sense of the word)? Like me? I am fortunate enough to have a good playgroup for Little, and the mommies in the group are wonderful ladies, but as a friend/fellow mommy said, I can easily consider most of them to be more like coworkers than true friends. And friendships can, do, and have blossomed out of the coworker status, but, as the article states, it takes work to maintain these relationships. And you have to find something more than the job you have in common to make it work. After all, we can't talk about work all the time, even if it is a 24/7 job (and life).

So then what is it that makes people become friends? An old high school friend and I were wondering about this just a few weeks ago as we chatted during Little's naptime. We started out in choir together, and for the longest time all we did was say each other's names to the other as we passed in the high school hallways, then we played card games together at the back of the choir room, and finally we got closer in the high school musical. We went to different colleges, chatted on AIM about our respective college woes, and met up for afternoon-long conversations during summer and winter breaks. Somewhere in all of that, we got to the point where even if we hadn't spoken in a long time, we could pick right back up where we left off and talk and have a great time, as if no time or distance had passed between visits. Somewhere in all of that, we became good friends, and to this day, we don't know what caused that level of intimacy to emerge. We still visit and talk the way we did in college; all that has changed now is our maturity level (and place in life). And when I think about what exactly caused our friendship to grow the way it has, I cannot pinpoint any single event or moment that led to what it is now. So I have no idea how or if it can be duplicated.

There are those "single-serving friends" (I love that term from Fight Club). The ones on the plane or in the grocery store check-out line. You exchange friendly banter, then never see them again. I must remark that it seems like sometimes people with whom I have something in common just get thrown in my life, even if it is for just a single-serving, to make the day more pleasant. When we were in Napa, on our second day, we took a limo ride to several wineries, and among our group was a young, childless couple from Michigan. Turns out they are originally from Ohio (where Paul is from), they honeymooned in Kauai (just like us), they "met" under similar circumstances as Paul and I, and are Catholic too. Small similarities, yet interesting coincidences. Fun and memorable enough for a single-serving of friends. Sometimes the similarities between us and the more regular variety of friends becomes apparent too, as time goes by. Maybe similarities draw people together? Maybe it's just a happy coincidence? At any rate, I do find it interesting.

So the similarities aid in the making of friends... what of the keeping of friends? That is an entirely different business, especially when one is bad at keeping in touch. Maybe it's my own fault that it can sometimes be so difficult. Again, though, I must refer to the article linked above... it takes work. Work from both sides that sometimes takes too much time to do. I particularly seem to have a problem with having (and keeping) close female friends. I think females require even more work... male friends are much more forgiving. I had a good group of girlfriends in high school (there were 6 of us), but drama ensued, college (and boys) divided, and now I really only remain (rarely) in touch with about half of them. I do sometimes wish I had that intimate female friendship as a constant, because no matter how deep in conversation I can get with my old high school friend I see regularly, there are just some topics that will forever be reserved for females. I guess my blog will have to bear the burden... or just my mind.

So all of this then leads to the question: what are friends for? Companions, confidantes, conversationalists, coworkers... what? A little bit of all of it? Someone to just do things with. Someone to just talk to. Someone to just listen. To trust. To do nothing with. All those things (as Little says). And I have friends, even a best friend who I love and trust and who I will follow to the end of the earth.